Inside out...You're shitting me!

(First Published June 14th 2024)

Ok, a bit of a sweary title but, to be honest, it’s been a bit of a sweary few weeks (it feels much, much longer…) I’m well aware that Cancel Culture has become a bit of a thing, generally propagated by those who spout absolute rubbish and then get all teary eyed when various platforms choose not to give them a mouthpiece, but I wasn’t aware that it was so prevalent in the NHS.

3 times…3 bloody times in a row I have had appointments and procedures cancelled, whilst in my most delicate area there is unwanted cell division playing merry havoc with my mental state. Broken machinery twice and Covid have been the causes and, as much as I could get heavily political and have a good rant, I won’t. My faith in humanity has been restored as it would appear that the architects of the wilful destruction of our once great NHS are soon to be consigned to the history books. It’s time to put all of the angst and bile behind me because, as of this morning, I finally have answers plus a timeframe to work with.

For those of you not up to speed I’ll give a very brief rundown of where things are with me.

5 years ago I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer…

Major operation, everything removed, I now wee into a bag…

5 years of regular checks, everything ok…

About 3 months ago, unpleasant symptoms…

Emergency flexible cystoscopy (camera up the winky) shows ugly looking mass…

Biopsy under general anaesthetic to check ugly looking mass, Surgeon thinks it is likely to be cancerous…

CT Scan, cancelled…

CT Scan re-booked, cancelled…

CT Scan (finally…)

Meeting with Consultant Urologist to discuss results, cancelled…

For anyone interested in filling in some of the many gaps, I have documented my experiences over the past five and a bit years and endeavoured to be as honest as possible in describing my run in with cancer.

On a positive note we did manage to get away to the Isle of Wight for a week. I highly recommend the week after the June half term as the Island is both quiet and supremely beautiful, enjoying the early throes of Summer. It was slightly bittersweet as we had expected all results and meetings to be out of the way by now so there was the slight feeling of being stuck in limbo. I also experienced some distressing side effects following a walk on the Downs where I could feel that the tumour had been irritated. A couple of high spots for me (apart from spending a week alone with my wonderful wife) was seeing a White Tailed Eagle soaring above the cliffs at Blackgang plus watching a Marsh Harrier hunting in the reed beds up the river from Yarmouth. (The photo isn’t mine… sadly.)

Today is finally the day. The appointment with the Consultant Urologist to discuss the results of the biopsy and CT scan has finally arrived. The great reveal. Will I be dead in a year or do I still have a fighting chance? Grim thoughts? Yes, but then every single possible scenario has played itself out in my mind over the past few weeks. I am a great believer in trying to live in the present moment but, having seen a cancerous tumour residing in my urethra (yes… it’s official, it is cancerous) it has been difficult not to project into the future.

The appointment is scheduled for 9.40am. It’s not until I’ve booked myself in at reception that I truly believe it will actually go ahead. It does indeed go ahead and the Consultant doesn’t mess about. 

“That tumour in your urethra is bothering me and we need to get it out…” 

Absolutely… I couldn’t have agreed with him more.

“Good… I’ve got you booked in for next Wednesday.”

WTAF!! (‘Goodness me…’ for those not up to speed with modern acronyms.)

To be fair this is actually extremely good news. The aforementioned mass is indeed a highly aggressive form of cancer and time is of the essence. More good news is that the CT Scan showed no sign of any further spread. I asked more questions about the actual operation, known as a urethrectomy, as I was interested to know how the urethra was completely removed seeing as there is only one entrance cut made. He asked me if I was sure that I really wanted to know? No hesitation from me. The Penis is turned inside out so that the urethra can be fully removed and cut away at the tip…every day is a school day!  The operation should take about 90 minutes and I will probably be in Hospital for two days (until various drains etc. can be removed.) Initial recovery will be uncomfortable and should involve complete rest due to the operation site, gravity etc. plus I should expect to be off work for at least a month. Bareback horse riding is to be avoided.

So, a positive day has been had. Never again will I have a camera inserted into the smallest opening on my body. There are no unexpected gremlins to mess things up (that we know of) and we finally have an idea of how the Summer is going to pan out. Also, like my first operation, it is looking likely that I won’t require any chemotherapy or radiotherapy and, if successful, the operation should remove all traces of the cancer.

Why, then, am I feeling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach..?