Scan results...

(First Published August 29th 2019)

So today is the day.  I’m more nervous about today’s appointment than I was when I was given the initial diagnosis 3 weeks ago. That diagnosis was indeed a shock.  The idea of cancer had entered my head but I never thought for a second that major surgery would be involved, let alone that weeing as I currently know it would soon be a thing of the past.

The diagnosis I had been given plus the suggested surgery was as a result of the Rigid Cystoscopy I’d had back in July i.e. a good look around the bladder with a camera plus a biopsy of the dodgy looking bits.  The C.T. Scan I had last week was looking in depth at all my major organs plus skeleton & circulatory system. With this potential wealth of new knowledge it is hardly surprising that I am a little jittery.  I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up the usual 3 times to have a wee, but the sleep in between seemed dreamless and dark.

I am very fortunate that the Princess Royal Hospital in Haywards Heath is a very straightforward 10 minute drive away and as the appointment was at 9.00am there were still plenty of parking spaces (not always the case!) I normally love the new solar powered parking meters that allow you to ‘present’ your debit or credit card having selected your duration of stay. The machine I chose today was positioned slightly in the shade and wasn’t quite feeling the love. Once my card had been presented the machine asked me to “please wait” and then seemed to freeze. How long do I wait? Do I press cancel and, if I do and start again, will I be charged twice? Can I phone someone? Don’t they know that I have cancer and am about to be given some rather important results!? People at the end of the ever growing queue were leaving, choosing to walk the extra 20 yards to a more willing machine. After what seemed like an age, but was probably no more than a minute and a half the machine spat out my ticket and everyone (just me) breathed a sigh of relief.

As we sit in the waiting room I am reminded that Painted Lady butterflies are having their ‘once a decade’ mass emergence as at least half a dozen seem to have found their way into my stomach and are merrily fluttering about. Over the past three weeks (is that all it is!) I have, inevitably, invested a fair bit of time in researching my condition and the potential outcomes based on the initial diagnosis. The ‘soon to be known’ results have the power to change everything. A tumour here, an irregularity there, a dodgy kidney or a fatty liver could render everything I think I know obsolete. My mind is desperately trying to send me off to a world of pain when we’re finally called in to see the surgeon.

I AM CLEAR! (I’m going to say that again for my own benefit!) I AM CLEAR!! I still have cancer but it is just in the internal bladder lining. The rest of me would appear to be in very good working order. To say that I’m relieved is an understatement. Successful surgery should remove all traces of the cancer. We talked at length about the available options. I am currently thinking more on the side of a bag for life (otherwise known as an ileal conduit.) The surgery is slightly less traumatic, recovery time is quicker, day to day maintenance is normally more straightforward and there is less chance of incontinence. Once again, I can’t thank enough the good people on the ‘Fight Bladder Cancer’ Facebook forum who have come forward in their droves to share their insights and experiences. There is still time to make a final decision. 

Whichever route I choose to take there is a fairly high chance that my performance will be compromised at best, and non existent at worst. I am not going to give this topic much air time as it is strictly between Alice and myself but just have to share that I wasn’t expecting the lovely Macmillan nurse to use the words ‘penis pump’ and ‘cock ring’ as we discussed my recovery.

I have been given an operation date. Monday 30th September at Eastbourne Hospital. The Princess Royal Hospital is not geared up for this particular surgery - for one it doesn’t have the right ‘robot’. That gives me just over 4 weeks. There are a few things I need to do. I think just two more weeks of work will do. As well as tiredness I am starting to suffer with back pain. None of this is unexpected but I don’t want to be too knackered before the day. There are practical things that need doing. I need to contact the MacMillan Horizon Centre who will help me with financial issues. I could be unable to work for three months or more and that will be a strain. I need to make sure that all the household bills and finances are in joint names and that Alice has access to all the online passwords. I’m not intending to pop my clogs just yet but if I do I don’t want Alice to have to jump through hoops just trying to keep the household running.

Finally, I want to enjoy every last wee (even if it is at 4.30 in the morning) as it’ll soon be a bit like squash and skiing, just a fond memory.